its been a month since I Moved out of my hipster like city in British Colombia.
Pretty waters and a plenty beaches, valleys and canyons for hiking , good places to eat , fantastic arts and Indie retro summer festivals ,Big buildings covered out the truth of what I saw.
Struggles of price rates of houses on the market, many homeless people turned away from shelter due to lack of space and turned to the streets , hard to make connections , and falling into a pit that I just tried covering up at peoples expense so they dont fall in and discover beneath the the ugly side of me .
it could just be my expirence but then again im here to share what I learned Right ?
I all i felt is depression living in that city , and my anxiety was on the rocks heavier then someones who’s had 3 shots of whiskey and glass of cabernet wine for the day.
Now , I don’t drink but city peoples reactions taught me enough to know bad life is when you need to be out of it in order to relax yourself.
but aside from all this sarcasm and in all seriousness .I really had a hard time in my moving , I was constantly sick and worried how my friends would react when I Told them how it would be that I was never coming back to surrey after I promised to.
In the words of my Cousin Nafisa,
“Life moves on Waalalo.”
I could not take the words in fast enough to fend off my panic and melancholic state of life .I just felt like my life was just a constant shakespeare play , all the drama, all the sadness , and no real happiness that would hit you.but you laugh because you’ve accepted whats its become and know theres not alternative to the things that were planned out like that.
the sad thing is actually, i could relate to Orphelia . I mean drowning in a waterbed with lilies and orchids while is singing was the exact scenario to describe my statement of life.
sinking and just floating , trying to feel something.
Being so hurt and believing people would change and being hurt by my belief in them that resulted in nothing in brokenheartedness only to try to mute out the noise of reality with innocence and a counterpart reality/fantasy of my own.
It was really hard for me to adjust just walking away from my situation , leaving all my clothes behind and only taking a handful of stuff, say goodbye to no one, dealing with anemia. The move is was so sudden and out of the blue . Then I Remember how I Told my sixteen year self I promise that I would walk away from fake friends, i would walk away from all things that hindered my growth, id find love elsewhere and i knew myself well enough to become what i wanted and this is not what I wanted .
I was not happy, i was lost, hurt, ashamed of the scars that were invisible on the outsided and visible and clearly full of conviction and self righteousness that “everybody goes through it kid , “your’e just overreacting” , “stop being so sensitive” sounds familiar ? yeah its gas-lighting technique.
But now since ive moved, I started registering for a year in high school again, my anxiety is gone , im applying for a job, I Eat food in an actual sense that i don’t skip meals because of how i felt , and ive healed a lot since my four year depression.
Had I stayed in Vancouver I would’ve still been depressed, still struggling, and been diploma less , lack of love and proper help to go out and get ,and eventually like a lot of people led to taking my own life . My life would’ve been pretty awful and it would just be as the last six years there had been. I wouldve felt like a living napoloeon Bone parte consisting singing coldplay viva da lavida when he was exiled from his hometown .Come to think of it what would he say if he knew the song ?
“Cette musique Dans me Oreilles ? ”
I Basically lived a misery soap opera with a bit of a dog toy reward every once and awhile id get something out of the struggles needless to say , those were blessings in disguise . And I am so Thankful for that and the rare people I met that stood by me in this long fruitful fruitless mixture feeling of a journey.
I Realized people take good with the bad and yes there will always be struggles and moving will be hard . Theres always going to be a negative nancy who says you cant do it, theres always going to be that one kid whos better then you at everything ,
but somehow you’ll manage to find out life is not based on how good you are, its based on what you define as good and what you aim or aspire to be.
so yeah , moving is hard and this what no one tells you, youre going to face a hard time,
your’e going to get lost on the ttc or the subway station to scarborough town centre
you’ll lose a job
you’ll not graduate
you’ll not get accepted in a university you really wanted
you wont get that job youve always wanted
you’ll get your heartbroken
you’ll be turned down
you wont understand thing
but you know what ?
One day, All these things will come true,
you’ll get a job.
Meet new people.
be surrounded by positive sources of inspiration
define your own limits
become your own person
express your convictions unapologetically
get married (i know people out there are probably like excuse me ? is she saying i need a man to make my life better ? no . Calm down Buzzfeed, im a feminist too .
learn to cook
learn to bake
do arts and craft
maybe it wont happen the way we want it but itll happen.
i sound pretty cliche but bear with me its going to go up on the roller coaster we cant stay stuck at the bottom of the hill forever.
Unless the rollecoasters stuck and theres no mechanic then, you need to panic my friend.so yeah just so you know
moving is hard is the understatement of the century,
atleast through these hazel eyes.