It dawns on me whenever someone asks me why or how i feel so negative inside , i tell them i dont know .the truth is , i really don’t . Something inside of me is just a spiralling storyline playing in my head creating reminsce scenes . A place of happier times i really have no idea how to get to and and i just pretend my problems arent happening because you cant give soloutions to something that doesnt have soloutions . or maybe there is a soloution and its just taking a really long time to find one. life isnt simple , though sometimes it can be
I am not sure if i potray a likeable character. most of these feelings come from being bullied at a young age, it still has an effect as me as an adult , i am sorry but i cant undo it . Yeah theres all that rodeo bull about how you shouldnt let it affect you, or control your life, but the sad reality is sometimes that even if you dont let it, some times it still effects us , because were human. It just depends on will power.
It occured to me the other day when a friend of mine was talking about how he forgives people and that its always good to make excuses for another person. In That split second it was too painful for me to watch him say that to me. I used to think like that everyday and again and again untill i one day snapped from being overly postive and hoping my soul just couldnt handle it anymore. No cares if it sounds dramatic or otherwise . I just want to let my feelings flow and for someone to understand this . if you cant at please try to see where im coming from , and dont add words onto it like overthinking because its bullshit . Overthinking can be solved, this has a long backside i need to explain .
I had said the same things ,and it didnt work out for me . So the fact that i felt like i was looking at what i used to be was painful for me . I couldnt find the words to say that when i did think like that , i was consistently let down again and again no matter how hard i tried to stop the cycle. All i could i say to him i used to be like you. ” and i wish i still was “. It was almost if god said “here , Vega , this is who you are ” . And i was overwhelmed by it if im honest, because i saw the naivety, the gentleness, the love , of what i used to be , and the fact i cant go back because things have piled up and pressure of tribulations made me change .
He didnt get it , and just asssumed i was overthinking or being negative. I want to let you know everyone goes through things , and my struggle is not better then yours . Neither am i ungrateful for being here, I am , but i feel im not myself and im not sure how to solve it . I felt for a second while talking with one other of my friends and a group fi them i felt almost like i was something and someone else. As if . all the stuff happening to me where happening to someone else .Even the responses i gave felt like an outerbody expirence where i was watching something from someone else view.
Fate likes playing games I seem not to get how to play . Everyone is a pawn but they always make to the end of board , yet im the knight who can only make three moves at a time . I’m lost in a forest where i am just climbing past the mountains to find something, but what ever im searching im not sure of anymore. Im standing at the edge of ocean watching the waves crash against the shore , and at the same time im watching a part of me sink to the bottom of the ocean . Im watching myself watch the water and drowning in it at the same time from two different view points.
But yesterday something happened that pulled me out of the water. A shy classmember of mine named rajintha . She had sent me an email asking for me for english help. I had been giving her my contacts on social media . I clicked over to the notes page . And i saw a list of books i had been reading everyday last week . My heart was moved. She had been watching me and recording the books i was reading . Every one who studies with me at school, is that im the strongheaded girl with an obession of books . I have a book in my hand , and if i have one in hand my nose is in it even if your’e talking . I smiled . Did you read marley and me ? I asked . i gave a book reccommendations of books for her to read and i was joking and encouraged her to write it down . I wasnt aware she actually was.
She looked confused , and i told her i clicked the notes on her phone to write my number there . i had tried to click a new page and accidentally clicked it instead. She smiled in a way that I havent seen from people . Her eyes crinkles and she just lit up like a sunflower. I was an aspiring teacher in life , but untill that moment i didnt realize i had that kind of power . It shook me from within.
I realized that I have a lot to offer but i just didnt fight the right people yet,
and maybe im going to find more of them.