When youv’e lost your voice

This sounds like an over dramatic title but honestly its how i feel so im openly and blatantly going to say deal with it . I am not writing for your satisfaction or for recognition to fit in a certain genre. Im writing to tell you something you may or may not be able to relate to.

All my life ive felt like a outsider . But it truly began  when i first experienced depression.  it was my  my junior high school summer vacation, I  vaguely  recount looking out on the deck and wondering ” I wonder if I had killed myself. ”  I was shocked by that thought , knowing i had been through a lot of bullying and self doubt, I was always very endurant and was able to swallow it .

But i remember, that question made my soul sink in some un explainable way. My chest was heavy, and continued to be heavy as if there was some layer upon layer of weight that broke atop my back. I never related more to the Greek tale of atlas at that point, bearing the world on his back as a sacrifice he made to save someone. In this case, the sacrifice I made to live with a smile on my face wore me down.

and i have felt that remarkable level of shame over the years forcing myself to bottle up  denying  my emotions .  Denying the unavoidable. I didn’t want to live and I was far too tired to continue to live.  I tried to fight for a cause to inspire my life for the better, doing spoken word, talking with new people , trying to get myself out there

but today i felt when i was in class that cause was worthless i came back to square one. There had been a issue being discussed in this class, The issue was about Desmond Cole and if he had become or will become mayor he would stop carding. I didn’t believe that he would to be quite honest because if we are talking about social activists as politicians its a tricky undecipherable line where people genuinely seem to morph in my opinion and wont fulfill what they promise.  Me and another individual spoke about the matter, to which she replied vehemently ” hes been through things, its not like hes just going to take things and not do them , he knows how people feel ” .

and for  the first time, i felt like i betrayed myself, i chose to let myself die down and not speak about it. I felt through her tone, her words, her speech, i let my own voice die. i let my belief be challenged, i know it was nothing to get heated about or upset, but i truly am one to care for people, and i have trust issue for one for people once they receive power, no matter how good they are, will be corrupted in one way or another.it takes an extremely tough minded individual to fight the system and to get out on top without a stretch.

Needless to say ,  i learned that speaking your belief and fighting for what you believe in combats your mind and your self to become the best version .if you believe in something, dont let others “facts ” or “opinions ” being voiced let you stop from saying it , from speaking it.

We all see versions of our own truth

and me ?

i might as well damn say it because this life is short and i want to change it even if i cant

little by little.\

baby steps along the way.

Advertisements

Why are we told being alone is bad ” or automatically assume people want to be social ?

Why are we told that being alone “is bad?

 

From the moment I stepped into elementary, my constant complaint from teachers was that I did not interact with other students. This physically frustrated me into changing my personality multiple times over the years growing up. All of society’s expectations home, school, friends and elsewhere were ingrained in me. I hate to talk as funny as it sounds; I hate to socialize and would’ve preferred to be by myself. But as disbelieving as it sounds society struck once again and taught me it was something I was supposed to “not be okay with ‘and  “you cannot be by yourself all the time “.

Well what if I did? What if I told you I found people to be just full of lies?? Extraordinary amounts of embellishment?? So self-aggrandized with their egos they are nothing short of a fancy brunch you attend with rich colleagues and businesses, doilies and lace napkins and all who want to show off what they have.

Then of course some friend of mine sitting with me would beg to differ. “Not everyone’s like that, you just have to find the right ones. “Right, as if people have become chocolate morsels you have to get accustomed tastes to.

Or focus on yourself until then?” well what if I can’t focus on myself because of daily interruptions, someone talks to you on the subway, you think you’ve found a connection with someone, you go out on a lunch date, and you think that “man we will hit it off “when the person says things you feel you might have in common with them. Imagine never speaking again after such incidents, no call no connections, just a brisk “ im busy “ or a smile in an office hallway somewhere .

I ask myself in modern world today why in the universe do I invest so much energy into these things and I’ve come to multiple conclusions overtime but this one seems unavoidable. We are told to make friends, but what if they do not want the same in return? Well then you find someone else well then teach me how? My gut feeling alone cannot find the answers to what I desire.

I have to invest time, money, and effort into these kind of things where social gatherings just drain me and make me feel more discouraged then the last as I try to talk to a girl who’s headphones are knee deep plunged into her ears to block out the sound around her and as I wanting to be a human being who has so much to offer to the world, watch my opportunities go down the drain at the drop of a hat each and every time.

 

Navigating this whole life is like trying to find your mom at the grocery store after you’ve lost her. And maybe, just maybe I’m really hoping ill look up from the isles and see someone standing at the edge of cash register instead of remembering I’m by myself. Or maybe

 

So until then when you see me by myself, please don’t tell me being alone is a bad thing and definitely don’t pity me. “Because it’s better to live life alone then to spend your life “feeling “alone. Because not every one wants a social life or wants problems that come with a people. Not every one is as they seem.

Let Talk About Domestic Violence trauma /and suicide : The most uncommon signs that someone is being physically or emotionally abused.

This is a very hard topic to talk about these days .most people will only categorise abuse as sexual, They often forget physical , physcological , and emotional abuse have effects on others as well.

Just because someone looks fine, or acts fine , doesnt mean they are fine . Fake it till you make it is just a method to get through this not either escalate the problem , or to get your mind away from the issue and try your best to continue your life in a postive view of life.

Maybe its not always in the case , but i can say a good percent holds it like that .

The thing that breaks my heart as an advocate to stop domestic violence, is that people dont notice what is happening . They will think the other person because they arent showing signs of breakdowns or obvious mental illness or a mood disorder they cant be facing it .

Sometimes that coworker making jokes  or your boss who brings refreshments every morning can being through hell.

They just dont want to draw attention to themselves and the problem in a light and everyone will know .

We are though most in denial, we are constitently in anxiety wondering what if how about , i dont know i dont know whats going to happen next. You shouldnt be ashamed to seek help , i know its hard but one day youll get out of it .

 

So the most uncommon signs of Domestic abuse  are :

  1. Outbursts of emotional roundbouts (crying , getting angry ) seemingly to you triggered by nothing . or you found them in private crying and they tell you theyre fine , but never make eye contact with you . Eyes always potray a bit of emotion remember that.

2. Self depreciating humor ( Most people dont think anything of this , but this one is a key factor , they will bring them things as a joke , but if its done consistently you should be worried espically if they sound particicular dark ” i cant do anything if i tried “.

3. Dry laughs and wandering eyes / lost thoughts . They dont seem that much into laughing at something and they seem distracted and lost in thoughts but wont tell you and they shift topics and will ramble into to something else . It almost like you asked them .

4. The quiet aura / silience that wants to speak

the thing about quiet aura is that sometimes these people could just be introverts thats okay, but sometimes they will give you an air something has happened to them to make them like this , and the air will feel tense almost like someone wants . to speak but doesn’t. If you feel that way in your gut, please dont ignore this feeling.

4.Feeling uncomfortable when people touch them in specific spot (arm , hand , shoulder , pat on the head )  , and kind of shrink under touch ( this one is tricky but if they seem tense and usually if they avoid contact, and relax back afterward it could be they dont like being touched but if they seemed tense and anxious you should be worried “.

5. Shutdowns /internal flashbacks  . Have you had a friend start talking about something and theyve stopped midsentence. Not because they lost train of thought , for some reason they just couldnt continue what they were gonna say.  And they go just never mind and walk away from the conversation.

Theres not outpour of feeling its just a complete halt. Chances are they were telling something about their lives and it triggered a memory of a past abuse situation, and they are just stuck in the middle remembering it .

 

6. Refusing to go a certain place/ or feeling uncomfortable in a certain place without telling you / puts them in panic, or a certain state of emotion that wont be easy to define.

Most people will feel uncomfortable telling you what has happened. Thats normal but when you develop unexplained fears for a certain place due to trauma  thats when you want to avoid things . anything that reminds you can make you feel like its happening in that split second all over again.

 

7. Never talking about x/y person in their life, and youre aware x/y is in their life at one point to another .

We all have people in our life we dont talk to anymore,thats fine, people grow apart . but there are some people from a general point of view we feel the need to mention like our grandparents , our parents, our spouses , our boyfriends ,our girlfriends ,your friends ,colleagues, etc. If you never bring them up once , because of traumiatic events they dont want to be reminded of a certain person and will only ever bring them up when they feel its related in a civil sense. “yeah, my dad liked gardening ” and youll ask oh i never heard you talk about your dad. I noticed people have a specific look on their face as they say this . its almost they dont want to continue this with you, kind of like an  please stay where you are demeanor .

that there is a clear sign if the conversation stops there .

 

8. Seems hostile towards a certain manner of speaking / actions you do/ or act passive agressive when you do .

Often you have someone that reminds you of abuser. They could mean it , but most often then not people dont always realize their manner of speech mimics their abuser. And people will get very upset or irrationally sensitive to you. But they are doing that becuase they link your behaviour with past events becuase of similarity factors  even though you could different people . Dont take this one for granted .This one is very important and is crucial you ask the person face to face if it upset them. Otherwise , you might be pushing them over the edge about something and not know it .

 

now the signs of sucide :

  1. No talk of the future, i dont mean like i dont know what im going to do way  but they never answer out your question in general. They live in the present and focus of something in a optmistic manor hovering around the fact you were inquiring ( linked to the point three )

2. They talk about death not in an upset manor, but rather in a lonely manner . People often over look the fact people want to die is because sometimes theyve been so isloated or feel so far reomved from the rest of us because of their abusers they want a peace but cans seem to find it with anyone.

 

3. They inquire a lot about how life would be if they left .

4.  online venting .things they wouldnt say to you / or anyone via reality . Like those super sad posts or triggering photos that people would often just assume were art pieces and caption it something related to their life ( me ) ( i feel this way ) ( no one cares ) ( i wish that someone would … .) ( whyd you have to go ? ) ( whats wrong with me ? ) ( you left me in pieces )

 

5. They get drop thoughts every once and awhile /hints .

Often we take peoples hints with a grain of salt simply because we dont want to imagine they are going through something that will take their life, or we thought nothing was genuinely wrong with to begin with. Thats where we need to stop love.  They drop hints , hints we . dismiss as a bad day, or a rough time, or someone being negative, or was just an opinon or comment. They tell you have they dreams in the long run, and will tell you its changed, and they dont know if they can continue them anymore . It sounds like discouragement , but beleive me you can tell when its something more. “Or too long i wont be around anymore,” they will cover it up ,  and at times  their thoughts just come tumbling out .

 

 

Overall here are some numbers you can call love,

and i hope everything in your life changes for the best , you have so much potential to live for and i believe you do great things so please stay alive safe and healthy ❤

 

1-800-talk (8255)

ontairo : 416-670-4869

New york  : 212 -532-2400

national sucide hotline : 1-800-273-8255

national domestic violence :512-685-6928/1-800-799-7233

Rape crisis :800-656-4673

you are loved .

 

 

 

 

Lost myself in the world somewhere,but there are hands pulling me out.

It dawns on me whenever someone asks me why or how i feel so negative inside , i tell them i dont know .the truth is , i really don’t  . Something inside of me is just a spiralling storyline playing in my head creating reminsce scenes . A place of happier times i really have no idea how to get to and and i just pretend my problems arent happening because you cant give soloutions to something that doesnt have soloutions . or maybe there is a soloution and its just taking a really long time to find one. life isnt simple , though sometimes it can be

I am not sure if i potray a likeable character. most of these feelings come from being bullied at a young age, it still has an effect as me as an adult , i am sorry but i cant undo it . Yeah theres all that rodeo bull about how you shouldnt let it affect you, or control your life, but the sad reality is sometimes that even if you dont let it, some times it still effects us , because were human. It just depends on will power.

 

It occured to me the other day when a friend of mine was talking about how he forgives people  and that its always good to make excuses for another person. In That split second it was too painful for me to watch him say that to me. I used to think like that everyday and again and again untill i one day snapped from being overly postive and hoping my soul just couldnt handle it anymore. No cares if it sounds dramatic or otherwise . I just want to let my feelings flow and for someone to understand this . if you cant at please try to see where im coming from , and dont add words onto it like overthinking because its bullshit .  Overthinking can be solved, this has a long backside i need to explain .

I had said the same things ,and it didnt work out for me . So the fact that i felt like i was looking at what i used to be was painful for me . I couldnt find the words to say that when i did think like that , i was consistently let down again and again no matter how hard i tried to stop the cycle. All i could i say to him i used to be like you. ” and i wish i still was “. It was almost if god said “here , Vega , this is who you are ” .  And i was overwhelmed by it if im honest, because i saw the naivety, the gentleness, the love , of what i used to be , and the fact i cant go back because things have piled up and pressure of tribulations made me change .

He didnt get it , and just asssumed i was overthinking or being negative. I want to let you know everyone goes through things , and my struggle is not better then yours . Neither am i ungrateful for being here, I am , but i feel im not myself and im not sure how to solve it . I felt for a second while talking with one other of my friends and a group fi them i felt almost like i was something and someone else. As if . all the stuff happening to me where happening to someone else .Even the responses i gave felt like an outerbody expirence where i was watching something from someone else view.

 

Fate likes playing games I seem not to get how to play . Everyone is a pawn but they always make to the end of board , yet im the knight who can only make three moves at a time . I’m lost in a forest where i am just climbing past the mountains to find something, but what ever im searching im not sure of anymore. Im standing at the edge of ocean watching the waves crash against the shore , and at the same time im watching a part of me sink to the bottom of the ocean .  Im watching myself watch the water and drowning in it at the same time from two different view points.

 

But yesterday something happened that pulled me out of the water. A shy classmember of mine named rajintha . She had sent me an email asking for me for english help. I had been giving her my contacts on social media . I clicked over to the notes page . And i saw a list of books i had been reading everyday last week . My heart was moved. She had been watching me and recording the books i was reading . Every one who studies with me at school, is that im the strongheaded girl with an obession of books . I have a book in my hand , and if i have one in hand my nose is in it even if your’e talking . I smiled . Did you read marley and me ? I asked . i gave a book reccommendations of books for her to read and i was joking and encouraged her to write it down . I wasnt aware she actually was.

She looked confused , and i told her i clicked the notes on her phone to write my number there  . i had tried to click a new page and accidentally clicked it instead. She smiled in a way that I havent seen from people .  Her eyes crinkles and she just lit up like a sunflower.   I was an aspiring teacher in life , but untill that moment i didnt realize i had that kind of power .  It shook me from within.

 

I realized that I have a lot to offer but i just didnt fight the right people yet,

and maybe im going to find more of them.

 

7 Things Every teenager Should hear I wish someone had told me .

  1.  Build a relationship with your siblings . Your siblings dont hate you, you may fight and they may do things to upset, but deep down they care a lot about you even when they are jerks and obnixious . Mark my words if you didnt want to live, or where struggling with desire to be alive, they would care the most even if they act like they dont . Later on in life, sometimes you can bond with them. They arent designed to torture . They keep you company and they can really change your life depending on how you deal with each other and how your relationship is .

 

2. Dont worry if youre not a someones type or style .  I know its easier said then done but Beauty comes in different shape and sizes . If you feel that you have to be limited to someone who wants only one type and a size fits all , wheather youre a girl or boy  dont compromise your self  to be their ideal. Later , this will seriously affect you as an adult and sometimes makes your insecurites stronger. lifes too short to be a plastic barbie doll. Youre a real human and this is not a dollhouse childs play where people pick pieces and move them where they think they are supposed to be.

 

3. Own up to your mistakes , but dont be too hard on yourself.

I know we make a lot of mistakes in our youth , or when we are old , even as parents . But remember that if you make a mistake dont spend eight years dwelling on that mistake of not asking your best  friend to marry you  or going to that job opportunity you got downtown, even studying for that test thats worth 5 marks. You must learn to forgive yourself, that takes a long time and it doesnt matter how long as long as you know that it will make you a better version of yourself.

 

4. Abuse isnt love . NOT in any form.  Thats not the love you deserve.

I feel  a lot of people stay with toxicness because they are in love with the person or their possible potential . Whether family or others , someone who hits you,Physically , leaves bruises ,  be littles you, tells youre worthless, and expects you to get better from their insults is not love. Theres a different between tough love and straight abuse, dont tolerate abuse thinking its tough love. Tough love is a rare hug well earned, a  genuine sorry  for what had happened when you succeed, not a punch or driving someone to fear being alive and go insane and become unstable .

 

5. Never  sit back and watch someone suffer , try your best to do something about change it. Become more brave .

I see a lot people get bullied and lives get taken as a result of it. Or maybe they have substance abuse , domestic violence, or  are dealing with severe personailty / mental/physical// mood /orders  People know what is going on sometimes ,  and refuse to try to stop it because they are afraid it will be inflicted upon them. Or they feel helpless , maybe just stay out of it all together for personal reasons  Well i understand that is a totally valid and real fear , and respect personal preferences for not getting involved   there are always other methods of  helping someone , privately in person, referring them to resources where they can get the help they need . And it doesnt with all due respect take too much to try a little act of kindness no matter how small. A note, a candy bar, a sweet word, a heartfelt action . They can can change someone elses life.

 

6. Eat healthier

I know youre tempted to reach for a bag of chips but please por  el amor di Dios, eat some fruit every once in awhile.

 

7. Your personal beliefs will change . they wont always stay the same.

over time youll meet people of different ethinic backgrounds ,faith and views on things. Youre view today wont be . the same as tomorrow, so dont keep everything in your sight so narrowminded and definite. People are always evolving wheather we admit it or not .

 

 

 

Im muslim! dont be afraid to talk to me

i feel like most of you feel towards muslims like how i feel towards the dont hug me im scared video . You think okay its cool untill the puppets start doing really disturbed actions like ripping out hearts and making bloody cakes . Overall the video goes south . It becomes the heart of what happens when you get too creative . take that plot twist and see what happens when you make it political. That is what happens my friend when you get turn religion political.

and you my friend found yourself in a real live gladiator event where you got frightened by it . The lions awaiting, and the spectators are watching.And youv’e only been here five minutes but your’e running around in circles trying to figure out the safest exit route . in the process of all this internally , externally your trying to ask me a question and you feel it comes out wrong so youll say

” oh because your muslim…. and i didnt want to offend you.

I honestly feel bad when people say these kind of things because i can imagine the religious people theyve dealt with probably called them every name under the sun , and the look on my face when i say i cant do something probably feels like a courtroom judge condemning them .

SINNER ! my scarf screams to them, “im covered and you should be more like me “. But in actual reality you dont have to worry about offending me . And no rachel, im not looking at your short dress and wishing i could make it longer , i am secretely thinking of where i can get that great outfit . You like your fruity drinks ? thats cool i like my soda !  you like  someone and cant talk about it because youre afraid ill be offended . I genuinely wont , feel free to ask me anything, im more then happy to ask what you have in mind or in heart and ill try my best. Im not offended !

of course i feel sometimes like bury my head in shame when i hear headlining news when i go to get my morning coffee at timmies or eat a sandwich at subway .

but I know deep inside I didnt have anything to do with what happened, so why should i be offended that your voicing your opinion ? just as long as you dont take it out of context and start personally attacking me you can tell me how you feel. Im more then willing to listen , i dont care what your story is or what relgion or what race you are . If your kind to me ill be kind to you, and even if youre not kind ill still be kind to you , not a problem . But i will also advise you when your wrong love.

See i know a lot of people are unsure talking about a terrorist attack to a muslim or ISIS in general because they will think the muslim person they speak to will feel attacked by them. NO !  were not upset because youre talking about this , were upset that majority of people think that even the muslim people not present at the terrorist event that happened  are being held responsible.

The man who just came home to make extra money from his 9-5 shift ? tomorrow people will throw plastic at him ad maybe hell get fired for it too. A girl who just graduated college and is now getting a home to buy, the buyer refuses to sell it to her because shes muslim and her neighbors dont want a muslim beside them .

Thats WHY were upset. Other events that have happened in the name of other things have been forgotten but the media likes to cherry pick and keep reminding us of our particuliar incidents .

Other then that , there isnt much a problem, were mad at the injustice in a sea of good that a lot of people do, and people chose to focus on the negatives around them. but remember just because one person did it didnt mean a whole nation of people are responsible . Were all individual people, we all think differently.  so next time you want to ask me why i cant shake a mans hand or why i cant drink ill be more then happy to answer you .

i regard anyone who  asks as a normal human being, they want to learn, and im happy people want to expand their minds and learn about others beliefs it makes me happy . So next time you see me down the street with my scarf, please dont hesitate to talk to me about these kind of things, its north america everyone has the right to feel safe whereaver you are , and you should just dive right into what you feel like asking . although please dont say any racial slurs or anyhting like that , thank you .

My opinion on Zelda majority mask hauntings . {Ben Drowned }

I read an article today here that really inspired me to speak about what happened. (to the man whom played the game and told the creepy pasta not myself because i somehow missed this game growing up and didnt get a chance to play it )Now normally im superstitious and i dont like messing on borderline issues such as the dead who died , or people who are in close to death . Karma has its ways of finding back to you .So its better sometimes just to keep a finger on your lips and keep yourself hushed.

It is completely possible that the boy named ben whom died of cancer at the age of twelve could be possessing that game, but also the creepypasta could not be true .

See i used to play  old versions of sonic underground and it was very common for games to glitch in the 90s at that time .But never the less you dont see me saying that the game is posessed because its glitching. Sometimes you have to start the game all over and the screen would just go pitch black before burning out and i would wait another hour to place the game in the game cube , or blow on it to cool down. Sometimes I Would be stuck with crash bandicoot for hours in  the time warp portal if it froze up . The controls on the remote were also fairly limited so if you tried to press a certain button it would give you a close up of the character running or its backside view .

Futhermore technology could be an advanced skill for some people , meaning that you could believe an evil entity took over the game in spiritual possession to keep its belongings on earth, but it couldve been a hacker as crazy as that sounds too.

If People have skills to build a game why would they not have the means and skills to hack it and break down its code ? it doesnt seem unlikely. Kids in the nineties were smart enough to do those kind of things because it was a more hands on generation then our generation today.

Also before the kid died he couldve found a way to customise his settings so that everything worked the way he wanted it to .  People customise their games , thought its not always possible, they can do it . I mean the disk was his . It wouldnt be all that different from me saving my nintendo games  and when i win things at the shop i  customise my character if i get a higher level of unlocked purchased goods.

Now , the other side is that this could totally be occuring . What people talk about in the game goes beyond any means of human activity.  It seems like a red flag when they talk about links face being covered in paint in the game . That wasnt in his orginial character design if you look at it . They couldve added last minute features however, when there is a skull character is in the corner when youre out at snow temple  that doesnt say a single word. Not even to guide him. Considering there is the violet fairy  with him at all times and other characters either are his enemy or tell him the guideline to get to a certain place to obtain certain objects , this was a bit unsettling.

.I start to feel a bit uneasy about it as i finished reading  the story in  haunted canada 2   series . i then took up to youtube to watch a video on the story .   Futhermore to make things weird , the song of healing is played in reverse. Unless you were a tech genius or very tech savvy id say to reprogram the game and hardwire it so the song plays in reverse is beyond me . Hence,I can acutally believe this story is not a fad because that is some unexplainable paranormal right there .

The files were said to be set in Bens name which i find even more chilling because of the old buyer. The old man who had been selling the game smiled at the young man and supposedly gave him a warning. or had not said anything i cant remember much. That means he knew something about the game and about the little boy preferably being a relative of some sorts or a neighbor who just knew him .

At the end of the day i would say this boundary pass is definitely both a possiblity and couldve just been a programming problem .

 

at the end of the day no one knows for sure.

 

Toxic Friendships and realizing the types .

Now not every toxic friendship is chracterised by nights in bed wanting to pick up youre phone and ask why they do what they do, or say you miss them. Sometimes they can be so bad that more then a heart gets broken, sometimes people lose their souls or spirits in the process. They know they dont want this but like alchoholics and a packs of cigarettes its hard to give up something youve grown accustomed to.

And its normal. Its normal that it wont be as easy to recoginize and its normal that you want to go back and retrieve something out of it, a better result, a change of heart, a good cause . But sometimes we need to recognize that we invest in empty trees that wont bear us any fruit, maybe that fruit tree was meant to blossom elsewhere , to flourish in another’s hands though you might think :” I did the same thing they did how come it didnt work for us ? ” well that maybe true we cant force people to realize our self worth  to them or our possible potential of how good we can be for them or help them.

So in order to recoginize the toxic types of friends here are the most uncommon types of friendships in the dark . ( I Suck at puns, bear with it . )

  1. Nosy Rosie

This name is a term i actually used to describe one of my cousins today teasingly. and she turned innocently to me to ask me what it meant i meant a nosy person who likes to know things . Little did i know, id be using this term to describe something else in my blog today .

Now a Nosy Rosie is someone who likes to find all the details about your life so she can find out where shes better  then you at this point in time  and used that to her advantage to make herself seem good or to make her self seem powerful in societies eyes .

Signs : 1.Your wedding, two kids , and your steady career dont matter compared to  Your gpa  dropped by 2 points and your at a 3.0 when you graduated  , well shes a U.N model and shes got a 4.0 , engaged, and is a young professional in her travel buisness expo .

2. And she loveess to play the humble brag game and if you play with her shell love it too  . So you can self depreciate yourself in her presence and she can make you feel better or she can tell you  yeah well youre not that great . She likes deciding how she sees you .

3.She will make everything seem like its not that big of a deal. ITS A BIG DEAL she says and everything about they way they carry themselves says it . watch out its a red flag . often these people have low self esteem so the only way to feel better is to be in a position of constant one up and know everything about everyone at all times.

3.Be careful because sometimes the everyones best friend type can be these people . I learned the hard way. You cant be everyones friend . and that makes it kind of fishy if everyone knows you and you know them , but you havent ever made a wave of some sorts . It could be youre really just a good person , or chances are also you havent figured out their true colors yet .

4 She doesnt care about your birthday  or promot, the only reason she posted is so people know shes friends with you because you work in that agency and that boosts her status .

2. Passive agressive Stevies

I apologize to anyone who actually is named stevie , i am not targeting you or who you are this is just a title to describe a person.So disclaimer and hopefully I havent offended anyone.This type of friend makes sarcastic comments , often because they are sour that you got that higher postion, or that you refuse to go with them to that resutrant because you had to babysit your little brother or sister and tells you your arent fun and will argue with you consistently so much that you cut them off .

Signs:

  1. They apologise but there real feelings reflect more on the surface as you spend time with them

2 They weasel back again after a fight  to ask if you if youre mad and youre left feeling confused because they are angry and want to know if you still feel the same .

3 .And continue to have dissmissive attitude or behaviour about something if the feeling is not mutual.

 

4. the opposite game is their speciality. you told them to write a resume for tommorrows class, they have done it and  forgot it at home, you think sometimes this is an innocent mistake but slowly but surely theyll start not doing the important things you need them to get done simply because they dont want to do it and feel like they shouldnt be doing it at all for you and youre not entitled if to it if they are upset with you and you didnt apologise for something they showed mix signal feelings about.

5. Shallow water nymphs

Getting good at these names arent i ?

isnt ironic that im talking about shallow people while saying something shallow ,

my point exactly. These are the type of friends who tell you that others are shallo w and talk like their expirenced when pardon me, they have not a clue what they are doing and   consider them selves understanding to others . theyll tell you that the world is a hard place and your left hitting your head against the wall when you ask them for  some advice to help,

theyll tell you need to cheer up and life isnt so bad and you should just ignore it .. but will be happy for you when you hit a hundred followers on instagram . Chances  people want to correct you when you say youre friends . they should just be aquaintances but they sneaked into your friend category because of a few nice things every now and then. signs of these friends are :

 

  1. You have conversations in the passing with them, ofc you can tell them that your coworkers are lazy , or that your boss is denying you the right pay for this month for working extra shifts, youll talk about beyonces new album , your new diet and how you should try a new trend of A line dresses for the kardashians.  but the second your failed relationship , or a death of a loved one kicks in , they run out of things to talk about and just drop off the radar . Some of these signs include excuses like “sorry was busy ” months later  or ” yeah …”when youve texted a long ranty essay about what happened to you in the last 2 years.
  2. and no other words offered, its just  wandering eyes during the conversation . They look a lot like they dont want to be here and are only here because you have their companship in their shallowness for a friday night social outing to bring entertainment to their so called bored lives. now dont mix this up with nosy rosie , they are here for pure entertainment to their idle lives eventful and lively ,  unlike the nosy rosie whom are using it to gain happiness and sucess by tearing down others.

3.They only listen to half your story before they delve into theirs. They arent really listening to help you with your problems , there listening to tell you how cute their new puppy is . Chances are they’ll jump over your words in  a second once your done talking as if you had told them something depressing and they coultdnt wait to talk because you bored them .

4. They ignore you when its convient. You have what they need , they befriend you you dont they dissappear this type is also know as the user friend.

 

So here are the times of friends and remember that you deserve better in your life and please learn that you are a bundle of joy that cant be contained , someone out there apperciates who you are and wont cause you this kind of drama in life , as always hopefully it was helpful,

until tomorrow ,

-Vega shimaya

How to get back up after Depression

I really don’t know why the movies like to vainly depict depression as a breakup and some beautiful girl sitting on the couch eating chunky monkey ice cream , and reminiscing these physical little moments shell miss with her signifcant other, or the guy immerses himself in lost causes and is just empty but magically gets to his feet somehow.

 

If we want to be realistic about depression. Its not trendy and beautiful. No one will say oh my god how you cry and desire not to be here at this point in time is something I LOVE . Its not sunsets and feeling down , its not the guy next door who falls in love with you . Its not about everything will get better mantra when you start to just be bright and cheery.

its sitting in the office wondering whats your purpose as your relatives and everyone you know gets married but you cant because youre in abusive relationship.its coming home and telling your family nothing about the rape that took place in freshman year of college maybe even middle school , and trying to be optomstic about being home for the holidays .  its reading books you used to love and dont laugh anymore at the part where Marley pulls down the high chair and throws it outside . Its your friends leaving you” because youre too negative .” It about immersing yourself in sometimes bad decisions of surrounding people who dont love you and use you for things just not to feel pain .

its you trying to go about being normal but not ever being able to feel what normal is anymore, its about answering questions when someone asks where do you see yourself and you go ” I don’t know ” . Its about using a hanging rope to end your life or some pills in a bottle , because someone shoved you into the lockers for too long after bearing all this in and youve snapped and you start to think ” maybe there right , maybe i shouldnt be alive right now “.  Its about trying to explain how you feel but you cant do it because the english language can only be so limited to the human emotions.

These are real issues they aren’t trends. Its not something people should go hey ill treat this like a joke, they are beautiful souls full of potential losing their will and voice to live to this issue , and the fact you make this a trend isn’t very helpful.

 

So without further a due,

 

Here are some tips to help you get better in the process, ( disclaimer , I am not saying this will work for anyone but im hoping it helps )

 

  1. Realize, that its happening .

As a person who’s expirenced depression , i realized everyone wants to pretend its not happening . And once you pass the denial you start wishing people would just accept that you do feel that way, and you are expiriencing it .Its a ferris wheel of emotions.It wont be easier , but atleast know you can be honest with yourself . Never tone down how you feel for anything or anyone .

 

2 . Dont lie.

if anyone asks you if youre okay and if anythings wrong say :  ” I am not okay , but its going to get better “” or not really, but its going to be okay eventually ” . If they proceed to ask questions tell them you dont want to discuss it or just leave the conversation there . Sometimes, you dont need to explain  yourself to people who you know wont want to understand you .

3. Find like minded people who are going through the same thing present or past ./support each other .

I once was told my best friend that we were more negative together and that we need a break, this hurt my feelings at the time im not going to sugarcoat it. But i realized when i found people struggling with similiar issues to me , they gave more sound advice that puts a struggling person at ease  then a person who had not been going through the issue and throws out some ” logical” or ” rational explanations ” .

I started realizing my own feelings are valid ,and it doesnt make me negative to express how i feel or want to discuss it . Thats what makes us living breathing beings . We can correlate to each others diffuculties or even attempt to relate to their struggles .If we cant do that, that says a lot about our character as people.

 

4. Give yourself time . Make it a self finding time .

Remember hearing how time heals everything? well isnt far from being right on its own . However, use this as time to find what you love, do the small things you always wanted to do ,  read a book. learn a new dish, speak out loud, get a tattoo you wanted, talk to the kids in your class you never speak with . Rest , sleep , listen to a playlist that relates to your moods, dont force yourself to get over everything, steady is ready remember that.

 

5. Befriend or put the unlikely people into your life, they change your point of view quite significantly.

This one is the last one , but the ever so special one . All the people who you dont like on first glance , end up being close to you in ways youd never expect would occur sometimes right ? and those people you click with instantly sometimes you lose hold of them and they can grow the farthest . i myself became friends over a fight over an airhead as a child.I found out years later the same qualtity i hated her for having is the quality i love most about her today . Her straightforwardness .

Had i not met her i couldve turned into a jerk who gets whatever she wants from people whenever she wants how she wants it . But because she taught me you cant do that , I opened up my horizions and realized how i should be treating people with respect rather then opposition and arguement .  By putting these kind of people in your life,  youll realize a lot about what you want your own life to be by the company you be around, and the kind of way you wish to be treated by others and how youll treat others in reflection. so go befriend that kid you think is a little weird, i can gurantee youll find out that you have much more in common then you expected . THey can also provide new life opportuntites for you that you havent thought about , remember when she told you , your fingers were really fast and efficent and youd be good at piano ? well then , you took up piano years later and found out through her suggestion that you were talented and got in a career after years of practice .  they open up doors of possiblities you never imagined .

 

6. Pen pals

Okay i know this is unheard of , but having penpal really cured my depression, someone whos never met you and talks about their life with you and you talk about yours is as soothing as peppermint tea to me . The factor that this could possibly be a no judge free zone and you could learn about someone new in the process. You get a  new cultural perspective ,and ofc a friend in need. Time differences are a bit of an issue but there always someone who has something to say somewhere willing to help you.

As far as i have for now i hope you have a great day and everything goes well,

and remember that verily there is always something in store for you i promised,

 

the ink hasnt set yet love.

we are all still waiting for you to write what you have to offer to the world with who you are and what you aspire to be .

do not be ashamed that your facing  a storm or youre depressed ,

every scar doesnt make you less beautiful,

it makes you wholesome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things that you only understand if you have a temper

More than anything,

I hate being told to calm down. Now don’t get me wrong I’m usually your typical joy from inside out in a bunch of sadness ‘s but when I’m unhappy I can really go from bouncing of the walls to smacking you like a Dodgeball.

So I wanted to bring something to the table thst doesn’t involve my knife jabs of sarcasm to the table and be real or try to. (im trying buddy, I’m not a covergirl okay I can’t look or act flawless)

I dedicated this little post article all to people out there who have a temper and can relate .

1.when you’re angry it’s probably because you’ve either been patient, chill, or passive aggressive for a really long time, so when one yell s the world makes you look like Zeus crashing thunderbolts to humanity.

 

2.people will tell you you’re overreacting to the situation.  You’ll just have to put a sticky note on your forehead that says I’m human! I have feelings!

3.on the subject of feelings it could just be me but this temper is just a cover up for what you really wanna do while you feel this way,  and that ladies and gentleman is midlife crisis crying! (Or you know just crying in general but appearing to being an angsty teeny as you carry it out)

4.im done with this… (insert billions of swear words because there’s nothing to articulate how you feel in an completely mature and logical way)

5.this is my favourite like oh my God totes favourite! (super saturated girl voice… And drop the truth speech) ” why are you being so sensitive?”” Why are you so angry?”” Why is it a big deal? ”

Okay so stubbing your toe is a big deal but me struggling to get soap and making a minimum wage that’s barely enough for my college fund is not a problem. Okay come talk when you’ve got your head on straight and stop looking at me like the lady from the grudge.

6.why don’t you just try this? (tries to give obvious and already triedd tactics) look the reason I’m hot tempered is because I tried multiple solutions in a short period of time. If I want to test my patience I’ll just play Simon says so I can frustrate myself more

Simon says stop

Simon says goo

And I say no Simon no.

7.”theres nothing you can do, just accept it.” gee that’s so heartwarming.  If I was made of the dramatic melancholy in movies we watch today, no,one is going to get the guy or girl protagonist folks once he/she leaves they leave.better stop thinking life will end up like girl vs monsters.and end start realizing you should watch because of Winn Dixie.